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things i shouldn't publish 'til i'm dead

And we're all told they're sorry,

Just go home to bed

To keep on waking up

And try again

That the melancholy will slowly

d i s s o l v e

From our heads

But that's not what happens . . .

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53 years of food production left.

Active Genocide and war.

Toxic Waterways.

Price Gouging.

Unchecked Police Brutality.

Removal of basic Human and Civil Rights.

The writing is on the goddamn wall.

This place is hostile.

It's exhausting to sit back and pretend that the world isn't crumbling around me. It's even more tiring to be the only person for miles who seems to fucking notice. I suppose it made sense 14 years ago when I was talking about this stuff and it seemed too distant for the average person to be concerned about. But here we are - it's on our fucking doorstep and still no one seems to care. This isn't an "I told you so" moment because let's be honest, I want nothing to do with being right about this. And the thing is - me saying these things out loud will cause people to be angry. Not angry at the way the system has broken us and taken everything, but they'll be mad that I had the audacity to point out the obvious that they've worked so hard to avoid.

I mean, if fist fighting each other for overpriced insulated cups in a fucking Target store isn't a sign of the end of humanity, then I don't know what is.


If I could throw my phone away and get a landline, I would. I'm not cut out for the fast-paced digital rat race. I want to do puzzles and eat snacks and play Scrabble, and take walks and grow things, and make art when I feel inspired, not when my bank account is low or when someone is demanding it. And I know I'm preaching to the choir, and life is supposed to be tough, and we're supposed to just accept it and keep moving. But that honestly never made sense to me, and maybe I don't want it to. Sometimes, I worry that 'sad' will always be my default. That the world will always be cruel and ill never be able to just exist and be ok with the way things are. There are days where I wake up and immediately feel the weight of the world, the collective suffering and decay... like my body is a conduit for all of the world's chaos and its coursing through me like electricity all at once.

Trying to articulate it makes me feel like a madman.

Feeling it makes me question if I want to exist at all.

I fucking hate it here.

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